So, I have been musing on what does sexy mean to women living with HIV—and does HIV factor in? Initially, my thought was being sexy wouldn’t be necessarily different than non-poz women, but perhaps the subtleties would reveal something unique about living with HIV.

I thought I would ask, what does sexy look like, smell like, sound like, move like? A sensory visual of what women living with HIV identify as sexy. It sounded like a springboard I could write from to share truly wonderful bits of advice with our Life and Love with HIV community.

However, it was much more challenging to interpret the results than I imagined, including the difficulties of getting poz women to write about it. Talking about it is one thing, but putting pen to paper and sharing publicly was a bit more challenging.

Interestingly, when I began my research on Twitter, the first women to respond were not living with HIV. Not exactly who I was hoping to speak with, but I was intrigued.

These women talked about candlelight, champagne, lingerie, atmosphere, and the spontaneity of the moment (relatable in an oysters kind of way—if you like oysters, and I do!) They talked about sexy qualities in a partner, like having someone who possesses “confidence, a sense of humour, kindness and compassion.”

Others reflected on ways partners can help make them feel sexy, for example someone who “listens to me,” who “wants to know more about me than just the outside,” and someone “turned on by my mind as much or more than my body.” Some women mentioned hygiene and self care as being absolutely essential.

But, oddly, there wasn’t a lot of responses around how they felt sexy. It was about the partner and the moment more than themselves. This may be because of the way gender roles and expectations in relation to sexuality play out in women’s minds and lives (all the women were cis gender and heterosexual), or perhaps because of the way I asked the question. Whatever the case, the sensory components seemed missing.

“ But, oddly, there wasn’t a lot of responses around how they felt sexy. It was about the partner and the moment more than themselves.”

Now, before I get pummelled with a bunch from all sorts of women telling me that’s not reflective of their definitions, I know! It’s not reflective of anything except a random group of women on Twitter who missed the part I was interested in hearing the perspectives of HIV-positive women.

It is interesting that they felt comfortable enough to send their answers to me, a woman living with HIV. But clearly, I had to try another methodology than Twitter if I was going to reach my intended community.

So, I asked HIV poz women directly, online and around the kitchen table so to speak. Here is what they said.

“Silk, lace, high boots, great shoes, stockings (yes I mean with a garter belt!)... tops that are crew neck and no sleeves, i.e. show off my shoulders. long gloves that cut off before the elbow, a high neck woolly sweater; a well fitted tweed blazer; riding boots and riding pants; front fastening bras! short skirts with boots; a close fitting dress; low necklines; angora sweaters because people love to touch angora! other than that, it's hard to say right now because I am overweight and clothing is not feeling sexy”....

“There are some things I do as a matter of habit that I suppose count as sexy, even when it’s just for me. At least once a week, I soak for a half hour minimum in water softened with baking soda (this feels so good on the skin) and scented with whatever is my current favourite bath bubbles or oil (right now it’s raspberry and lemongrass).”

“I love having my hair done—if they do a good job. I always put makeup on to go out and like to take my time with makeup and hair to have it looking feminine and sexy. I think longer is better as far as that goes for me. Not too much makeup though. I like to look as natural as possible. I like my hair with a bit of blonde in it, but mostly natural. I'm lucky, hardly any grey yet.”

“ I love having my hair done—if they do a good job. I always put makeup on to go out and like to take my time with makeup and hair to have it looking feminine and sexy.”

“On a day to day basis, stuck at home, I’ll schlep about the house in whatever is comfortable but if I have to go into town for anything (grocery shopping, appointments, change the oil in my car … anything really) I take the time to put on makeup and wear something a bit nicer than the norm. I have to admit I also do it to see if anyone still notices an older bird like me. But, I still feel the need for a bit of harmless attention without while no longer playing the game. It’s still about feeling sexy.”

“Sound... definitely waves coming in; rippling brook; rain and a storm. And silence! Our favorite romantic song; the guggle of wine pouring…”

“Touch... anything that is light to the touch. You can only just feel it; soft leather, angora, fur feel when worn, warm water.”

“I like any excuse to play dress-up. So, any planned event, like a meal out with friends, Christmas, or weddings (of course!) is a great excuse to wear something sexy. Halloween, too! Although costuming doesn’t have to be typically sexy to be sexy. Well, it can be. This year I’m revamping a cat costume. Two versions of it. One is built on a bodysuit that keeps it in line with a family friendly event on Saturday. The other will be paired with stockings, heels, and a frilly frock...”

“A candle flickering, lowlights, my man! Curves, muted colours, flickering fire, a half smile.”

“Red wine, a fireplace with logs on, seawater at a tropical destination, bubble bath, my husband's skin, fresh sheets.”

“The taste of crab... shared. Cheesecake, chocolate pudding, chocolate mousse, strawberries.”

“Another important facet of sexiness comes down to who I’m sharing my time with. When I date (yes, I’m married AND I date), the sexiest feeling is having all my date’s focus on me. If their eyes are wandering everywhere else over supper, nothing I’ve done to feel sexy for an evening out matters anymore.”

“It means being aware of my body and knowing I feel confident about how I am looking; being in the right place at the right time.”

These are wonderfully diverse answers!

For me personally, sexy is all about confidence and the desire to feel desired and be honest, open and revel in the person I am with, each wanting to expand our experiences of each other and bathe in the beauty of our connection. Just having the courage to share that with another human being, to me, is sexy (whether you’re sexually active or not). So, in the interests of expanding this conversation to all women, living with HIV or not... what makes you feel sexy? Join the conversation. Add your comments below.

P.s. Thanks so much to the women who spoke with me and the women on twitter. You are all sexy in my world for sharing. Oh, and most interesting to me, HIV never came up.

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Join the conversation! Share your thoughts below in the comments section. What makes you feel sexy? What does "sexy" mean to you?