By Just Stash

As a woman I love sex, I enjoy sex and I have sex, but women have been made to feel shameful for wanting to screw men. Wanting pleasure has earned us names like ‘hoes’ and ‘sluts’. We have been told not to talk about sex and made to believe sex is only for men to be happy and love us better.

But where do women get a voice in all this? Don’t we have a choice to seek pleasure and feel satisfied? To want to be screwed and choose who we want screwing us? We have been made to feel even more shameful for wanting to screw men of substance, sapio-sexual beings, yet we exalt men for fucking anything that moves. I mean we have literally been made to feel bad for intentionally picking and choosing great dudes instead of just anyone to mess with. I could rant all I want but the truth remain we are subjects to these men unless women change the narratives.

And now, on top of those pressures and expectations for women’s sexuality, add onto this the assumption that women living with HIV are not expected to express their sexuality at all. As a woman living with HIV our sexual pleasures have been and are limited. Often, women are the bearer of sexual burdens, including worries of disclosure, gatekeepers to “safer sex” and prevention of pregnancy. I ask: don’t we have a right to be happy and have sex like anybody else?

One elephant in the room is that condoms use is one of those things that may be important (depending on your circumstance) but not always enjoyable. When I was diagnosed, I was confused as to how I would have children if was supposed to use a condom whenever I am having sex. Like heck! That seemed boring.

"Not to mean that when we use condoms, we don’t get maximum satisfaction, but sometimes, women want to be dicked down, without rubber, with cum dripping off our honey pots."

I wanted, and still want satisfaction, including maximum satisfaction (haha!). Not to mean that when we use condoms, we don’t get maximum satisfaction, but sometimes, women want to be dicked down, without rubber, with cum dripping off our honey pots.

I thank scientists and advocates for their efforts to make our sex lives better by highlighting the science behind Undetectable=Untransmittable. Now, women living with HIV can enjoy sex without worrying about the burden of HIV transmission. Although this is more achievable for people who have tested, know their status, and are in a monogamous relationship, it does not protect against pregnancy or other sexually transmitted infections.

Condoms can be annoying sometimes. Women often don’t like how condom feels and I am quite sure no one has ever stopped to ask women if they like the way condoms feel. It is all about men. And we know that men face their own issues and barriers to condom use. We also know ways to make condoms more pleasurable for them. Like when men say one condom does not fit all and we create some extra-large ones, or when they say it’s feels like my dick is wrapped like a candy; so we make an almost-skinless condom. But what about women?

"I went out of my way to ask women living with HIV in my circle what they feel about condoms whilst having sex."

So, I went out of my way to ask women living with HIV in my circle what they feel about condoms while having sex. To my surprise, it seems that many women in my network dislike condoms as much as men do. Here are few of their responses:

“Condoms feels less intimate, I like how the skin of the penis feels when grinding against my vagina.”

“I have tried most of the condoms available and they are all limiting to one extent or the other.”

“Condoms make sex less sensual, though I would not say this to anyone whose only option was to use condoms.”

“They make my vagina extremely dry and as much as my partner and I use lubricants, still sex does not feel palatable.”

“Whenever my partner and I use a condom, I end up faking orgasm.”

While this sample is small and certainly does not represent the views of all women, from the above it is clear that some women don’t like the feel of condoms. Because of this, we sometimes use condoms and other times don’t.

I am not suggesting that women, including those living with HIV, stop using condoms.

"We need to make condoms and other safer sex methods more fun! And with women in mind!"

U=U is great and may allow some women with HIV to have condomless sex, but that only works when you’re sure of your status and on treatment, etc.

We also need to be cautious of other sexually transmitted infections, think about whether we’re in a stable relationship, and consider the use of condoms and other family planning methods (e.g., the pill) to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

But I see no reason to ignore and bury our heads in the sand to the potential negative impacts that condoms may have on women’s sexual pleasure. This may be an inconvenient fact for those who promote safer sex, but contraceptive options should work for everybody. We need to make condoms and other safer sex methods more fun! And with women in mind!

Let men and women be honest and open about sexual matters. Only and only then will we see eye to eye in the heated debate of love and sex. The more we talk about sex, the better and the more we will enjoy it!

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Join the conversation! Share your thoughts below in the comments section: What are your thoughts on different types of contraceptives? How can contraceptives be made with the pleasure of women in mind?