I am a single mom. And while I love being a mother, the being single part is definitely a big challenge for me.

I've spent the last twenty-two years adjusting to the single parent side of my life, but I haven't done much to address the single woman side of post-breakup life. I'm hoping to change all that, but the mere thought of being a single mom dating in earnest is really scary.

Along the way, I have made some mistakes, some so devastating that I swore off relationships for about ten years!!!! However, a couple of years ago, realizing that my son was now a young man with his own friends and interests, I started rethinking the being alone life that I was living all this while. I miss the novelty of being in a relationship, sharing those silly quirky things that people in love do and having a man in my life.

Though I was physically ready to muddle the dating pool, I knew that mentally, I was a mess. I was carrying so much baggage from my past failed relationships that I needed to let go of. Easy right? Hell No!!!! My bitterness was justified!!! Knowing that I had become infected with HIV in a relationship made the hurt more justified!!! I had been hurt and I held my hurt as a badge that shut me from experiencing the freedom of loving another man. I found out that I had become so toxic that I was tainting my son.

We’ve all been hurt. You can’t be an adult — or single mum — alive today who hasn’t experienced some kind of emotional pain.

It hurts. I get that. But I had to tell myself some truths. What I do with that hurt is probably more important than the hurt itself. Would I prefer to get back to being an active liver of life? Or do I prefer to ruminate endlessly about the past and something that cannot be changed?

In short, I had to ask myself how do I let go of past hurts and move on?

"I had told myself that HIV does not and should never define me! I had to keep repeating it like a mantra. But saying it did not automatically translate to living it. For years I held myself back from getting into a physical relationship with any man because I am terrified of infecting anyone

Blaming others for our hurt is what I started off doing. Somebody did something wrong, or they wronged me in some way that mattered. I wanted them to apologize and acknowledge what they did to me was wrong. But I found out that blaming someone else for my hurt can backfire, as most of them didn’t care that they hurt me.

I also found out that by holding on to these past hurts I often relived the pain over and over in my mind. Sometimes a person can even get “stuck” in this pain, in this hurt, in this blame game and never experience true joy and find love and happiness again.

The hurt doesn’t disappear on its own. I needed to make the commitment to “let it go.” If you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt. Making a conscious decision to let it go also means accepting that I have a choice to let it go. To stop reliving the past pain, to stop going over the details of the story in my head every time I think of the people who hurt me.

Instead of wallowing in the hurtful past, I decided to let it all go. I cried. I ranted. I wrote a million letters and emails to the men who had hurt me (I never sent any!!!). I got it out of my system and decided to focus on the here and now. I’m not there yet but I am constantly telling myself that it’s going to be ok, that I am beautiful, intelligent and good enough for any man. I have also learnt to focus on my own happiness, to do the things that bring me joy and satisfaction; reading a fat juicy romance novel, hiking with my friends or cooking up a storm! (I’m a foodie!)

"It took years of counseling, studying and the love of one man to break me out of that circle of self-doubt".

I had told myself that HIV does not and should never define me! I had to keep repeating it like a mantra. But saying it did not automatically translate to living it. For years I held myself back from getting into a physical relationship with any man because I am terrified of infecting anyone. Also, years on ARVs had made me lose my size 10 dress size and I had ballooned to a chubby size 18! It took years of counseling, studying and the love of one man to break me out of that circle of self-doubt. Yes, I know all about protected sex, but let’s be truthful here, we all want that truly intimate feeling of having sex without the sheath on!!! All I can say to all my poz sisters out there is to know your numbers; CD4 count, Viral load count and stay on your meds to achieve undetectable viral load status. It gives you a wonderful sense of knowing that when you decide to take the plunge, the chance of transmitting the virus sexually is eliminated! Postscript: A few weeks ago, I ran into an old acquaintance, we had been introduced years ago by a mutual friend. After hanging with each other for a few days, I’m experiencing all the sign of a woman falling in love. I am absent minded. I hang onto the phone waiting for his calls or messages, and we spend hours on the phone talking about everything! He’s talking about commitment, love and marriage, sweet music to my ears. But the truth is I AM SCARED!!!! So, wish me luck!