By Denise Becker

I subscribed to Eckhart Tolle TV some time ago because I find his "weekly present moment reminders" helpful in my life. I often contemplate his adages and try to decide if I agree with them.

"The past has no power over the present moment" is a prime example.

This sentence is one of the hardest I have had to think about because when it comes to dating, I believe anyone with an HIV-positive status will have their past affect their decisions in the present. But does that mean that the past has power over us? I suppose the likely answer is: to the extent that we allow it to have power. But is this answer really that simple?

When I was newly single after a long-term relationship during which I found out I had HIV, I didn't really think much about dating. I expected that no one would want to date me unless they too had HIV.

Then I remembered that a friend had told me years ago before about the internet dating site, Plenty of Fish. I began to consider online dating as an opportunity to form friendships with people outside of the town where I lived and perhaps talk about my HIV-positive status. I wanted to get a sense of how people reacted when I disclosed, and to learn what worked and what didn't.

"I expected that no one would want to date me unless they too had HIV."

I soon made friends with men in Montreal, Edmonton, Calgary, and Toronto. I decided that once we had talked one or two times, I would tell them I had an important message for them to read. I advised them that they might be surprised by the information therein and I asked them to reply candidly with their thoughts. Most responded by admitting, "I don't really know much about HIV." Some disappeared off Plenty of Fish altogether!

To those who were interested, I sent information on how people get HIV and I explained to them the meaning of the term undetectable. While I was happy to educate people, I was also annoyed that these relationships were more teacher/student than girlfriend/boyfriend.

I also experimented with webcam chat in those days. After disclosure my status to chat partners, I would often see a shock on their faces or I would se them looking around, desperate to get away. But many guys, to my complete surprise, still wanted to meet me.

Eventually, I met a man who said he liked me but couldn't get over my HIV status. I moved on. I didn't care. If I hadn't been so public with my status, I might have worried that he would out me. That fear is common among most people living with HIV. Being outed once can make it uncomfortable to trust anyone again. I  think this scenario proves just how uniquely powerful the past is for people living with HIV.

Ultimately, I decided to quit the online dating scene and just enjoy life with the company of my dog. This worked for awhile because I like living alone and I have hobbies that keep me interested in the world around me. In other words, I like living in the present without the burden of my past.

To cut a long story short, about a year later, that man who initially couldn't get over my HIV status contacted me. He told me that he had learned more about HIV since we last talked, and asked if I would like to go on a date. I agreed. That date turned unexpectedly into a two year relationship. When we split up, it was because we simply needed to go out separate ways - not because I'm HIV-positive.

What did I learn from all of this?

"I learned that dating is possible...but it can also be incredibly complex, given the responsibility we carry in intimate relationships."

• I learned that dating is possible for people living with HIV. But it can also be incredibly complex for us, given the responsibility we carry in intimate relationships. We are living in an era where people living with HIV can be prosecuted for failure to disclose their status in certain instances. When dating leads to sex, we need to have a record of how we informed our partners because if the relationship goes sour, they may pull out the "she never told me" card and press criminal charges. I am thankful I never experienced this because I know that many other women have. To be fair, Plenty of Fish offers a good means of copying written communication for your records, but email is also a great conduit. I also became keenly aware of how vigilant HIV-positive women have to be about their personal safety while dating. If someone slips us the date-rape drug and takes advantage of us, we can still be deemed to be the guilty party in a sexual assault. This is one of my biggest fears and I am still not sure how to overcome it. After all, who is going to believe an HIV-positive women with virtually no recollection of what happened?

• I learned that self-confidence is essential when dating. If you are rejected you need to tell yourself that it's not your fault, and not everyone understands what it's like to live with HIV. In this sense, I found it helpful to think of how I would react if I was uninfected and learned that my partner had HIV. Self-confidence also helps prepare you for adverse or violent reactions to your disclosure. My strategy was to tell my partners in a public place (but in a private way) so I would not be afraid to stand up for myself if they became verbally or physically abusive. I also kept my phone handy so I could call a friend for extra support. On the lighter side, getting involved with a local Toastmasters club has been a great confidence booster for me. Using my HIV experience in public speeches makes me feel courageous. And no man I meet through my speaking engagements can claim I didn't disclose clearly.

• I learned to get to know someone before I disclose because I don't want to base every relationship on my past. I want the men I date to know me as Denise, not Ms HIV. It helps when I meet people in general social scenarios - like a photography club, fishing outings, or hitting golf balls badly at the driving range (a key point if you want a guy to teach you how to be better, by the way). I found that bars, nightclubs, and the workplace are not necessarily the best places to get to know a date.

Despite everything I've learned, I still think about Eckhart Tolle's statement and how it applies to my experience as an HIV-positive woman in the dating world. People living with HIV have so much of their past to consider when entering into new relationships. But relationships and dating can very rewarding if we let the past prepare us to live in the now.

This article was originally featured in Positive Living magazine's Girl Talk column in July of 2014, here.