I have always been chubby. I honestly can’t remember a day that my thighs didn’t rub together. It didn’t help that growing up there was no positive imagery of girls that looked like me on TV, in the magazines, or even in books. You could hardly find dolls that had my skin tone and kinky-curly hair, and Barbie never came in plus-size.

Fast forward to my teenage years with my parents’ unexpected divorce, coupled with my undiagnosed mental health issues, I was a self-esteem disaster. Serial dating and sex became my drugs. I used it to cope with my depression and increasing anger issues. These anger issues often led me into stays at the local county jails. I have a rap sheet that I’m definitely not proud of.

By the time I received my HIV diagnosis five years ago, when I was 20 years old, I didn’t even want to live anymore. Luckily for me, I have a great relationship with my mother who noticed my increasing depression symptoms and booked me an appointment with a therapist. Since we live 1,000 miles away from each other she booked the appointments online and would check in with my therapist to make sure that I was going to all my sessions. In hindsight, I don’t know if I would’ve done all of that without her much needed meddling.

From my therapy sessions I was able to understand that the anger and depression I felt was my minds way of covering up past traumas, hurt feelings, and disappointments. With the help of my therapist we created a four-step self-love plan. This process not only impacted my depression symptoms, but it improved my anger issues as well. After this process I was able to heal a lot of past trauma and build up my dismantled self-esteem.

“We live in a world where we are always discussing self-care but no one talks about self-love and how to get their effectively. For me, positive affirmations were that first step.”

From the start of my therapy sessions I learned all about the power of positive affirmations. I was told to write down some “I am” statements with verbs behind them. Some favourite statements that I love are: “I am Happiness. I am Joy. I am Love. I am Peace. I am Beauty.” I have them posted all around my vanity mirror, so I don’t forget to shower myself with heaps of love and affection. We live in a world where we are always discussing self-care but no one talks about self-love and how to get there effectively. For me, positive affirmations were that first step.

My therapist also taught me about the art of forgiveness in the second step. We often think forgiveness is for the other person, but forgiveness heals you. You may not be responsible for your scars, but it is your job to heal them. You will find that forgiveness gives you power back over your emotions and eventually your life. Right next to my affirmations are my “I forgive you for” phrases. I allowed myself to forgive myself, and others for past trauma and experiences.

For the third step my therapist suggested group therapy. The purpose of this was to get around like-minded individuals that have the same interests. Luckily for me, I stumbled across Positive Organizing Project (POP+), which is a grassroots organization that teaches people living with HIV how to become effective HIV advocates. From our local POP+ organization I became part of some amazing opportunities nationally and internationally. I also recently left my retail job and was offered a position in Public Health working for youth living with HIV. I am surrounded by empowering and uplifting people daily and I now have a real sense of belonging and community.

The final step on my journey to a healthy self-esteem was to create boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers. I now use the word NO on a consistent basis. I also let people know why they hurt me. I then end the conversation with constructive feedback on how they can fix the behavior that was offensive. I also allow toxic people to leave my life. In order to heal, sometimes you have to cut off the infection and toxic behavior.

“Being diagnosed with a chronic illness while also receiving good mental health services has a way of making you appreciate your life and not taking it granted. Today I’m happy, confident, and fat.”

Being diagnosed with a chronic illness while also receiving good mental health services has a way of making you appreciate your life and not taking it granted. Today I’m happy, confident, and fat. That doesn’t mean I don’t have struggles with self-esteem every now and then. We live in a society that constantly shoves unrealistic health and beauty standards in our faces. I combat this by knowing that I am allowed to be a work in progress and a masterpiece at the same time.

To all the plus size girls out there struggling with self-love issues: Walk with your head held high. Make no apologies about who you are. Allow yourself to bring all of you, and all of your co-existing identities, into a room. My final piece of advice: Take in new experiences like wearing that crop top, taking full body pictures, and most importantly, if you’re out there fucking, don’t be afraid to ride your partner during sex.

Signed,
A Fat Girl Out Here Living & Loving with HIV

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Join the conversation. Share your thoughts below in the comments section. What do you do to cultivate self-love in your life?