Learning to love yourself after a broken relationship, a rape, a life changing occurrence is often a very difficult thing to do. Getting over the shock, the loss and the changes that happen is probably the hardest step in the healing process.

If there is only one lesson you learn this entire year, it should be this: You are absolutely the most important person in your entire universe.

Your entire life is lived through your eyes: your interactions with the world and those around you, your thoughts and how you interpret events, relationships, actions, and words.

You might just be another person in the grand scheme of things, but when it comes to your understanding of reality, you are the only thing that matters.

"You are absolutely the most important person in your entire universe."

And because of that, your reality depends on how much you love and take care of you.

Your relationship with yourself is the most defining factor in shaping the kind of life you live.

The less you love yourself, listen to yourself, and understand yourself, the more confused, angry, and frustrating your reality will be.

But when you begin and continue to love yourself more, the more everything you see, everything you do, and everyone you interact with, starts to become a little bit better in every way possible.

But self-love isn’t easy. As they say: you are your own biggest critic. We’re programmed to have bouts of self-loathing, and for many of us, these phases of self-hatred can turn into our entire lives.

"Do you give yourself the love and respect that you might give your closest friends or significant other?"

Think of the people in your life that you love and respect. How do you treat them? You are kind to them, patient with their thoughts and ideas, and you forgive them when they make mistakes.

You give them space, time, and opportunity; you make sure they have the room to grow because you love them enough to believe in their potential for growth.

Now think of how you treat yourself. Do you give yourself the love and respect that you might give your closest friends or significant other? Do you take care of your body, your mind, and your needs? These are all the ways that you could be showing your body and mind self-love in your everyday life:

Sleeping properly

Eating healthy

Giving yourself time and space to understand your spirituality

Exercising regularly

Thanking yourself and those around you

Playing when you need it

Avoiding vices and toxic influences

Reflecting and meditating

How many of these daily activities do you allow yourself? And if not, then how can you say you truly love yourself? Loving yourself is more than just a state of mind, it’s also a series of actions and habits that you embed into your everyday life. You have to show yourself that you love you, from the beginning of your day to the end.

I understand that this is easier said than done. But the number one strategy I recommend is giving yourself time and space. I used to be deeply unhappy, but I changed my life by changing my lifestyle and focusing more on my spiritual side.

No one is perfect. Some of us confuse self-love with endless positivity and endless optimism. There are those who go about their day singing the praises of God no matter how bad they might be feeling or how horrible their predicament might be. And we think this is the right thing to do; after all, shouldn’t positive vibes simply attract more positive vibes? The truth is that your endless optimism is a giant lie. You’re lying to a part of yourself, ignoring the needs of half of who you are. Because we all have a dark side; we all hold anguish, hatred, and pain. Ignoring these realities eats us up and forces us to cave-in spiritually and mentally.

"When you hide away past emotions, you essentially put yourself in a cage of your own making."

Allow yourself to be honest with who you are. Forgive yourself for your past deeds, those things you are ashamed of. Accept that you are sometimes a carrier of negative emotions, like disgust, rage, and jealousy. And learn to embrace the silence when you need it.

Do you truly love yourself? Accepting your flaws and your faults is one thing, but loving a person who can have your thoughts, your emotions, your vices, and your mistakes? That’s a completely higher level of self-love. Discover your life story. Trace your path from childhood to the person you are now. Understand yourself in the most intimate way possible, and find the reason for every negative emotion, every shameful act, every word and deed that you now regret. Take the skeletons out of your closet and try to remember why they are there in the first place.

Perhaps the most important thing you will discover is that most parts of our personality have a cause, and those that don’t can be learned away. Maybe you have false understandings of reality, or trauma, or feelings of victimhood. Maybe you see the world differently than it actually is, and because of that, you did things you now know to be wrong. Find the causes and trace your past. Learn to love yourself in a way that only you can. Stop being ashamed of your past and start understanding it. When you hide away past emotions, you essentially put yourself in a cage of your own making.

The only way out is to push through the uncomfortable truths you’ve been repressing. If you go near the edge of the cage, you feel extreme discomfort. In that place of discomfort, you can finally deal with emotional disturbance from past trauma and pain. Emotional disturbance is based on something that happened to you long ago, something you haven’t let go of. Mindfulness is the key to escape from your emotional cage. The more you deal with past emotions through mindfulness the less emotional disturbance can occur. Through mindfulness, you can let go and then you can be free. 

"Through mindfulness, you can let go and then you can be free."