Childhood trauma is not something that you wake up, snap a finger, then it’s all gone. These are scenes that stay with you all your life and cause some permanent damage even in adulthood. Growing up in a violent home, I must admit, caused some damage, and its funny how when you’re a child it doesn’t really bother you until you start getting a clear understanding of things; then you realize how bad the situation was, and for my case, is. I am out of school, just turned 18, excited to see the world, and figure out adulthood. 

As a young HIV positive adolescent girl, I never paid much attention to myself - as a matter of fact, I don’t think I ever recognized myself. I always hated everything about me, I always felt that I didn’t dress stylish enough, I always felt that I wasn’t pretty enough compared to all the other girls of my age, and that no boy or young man would spend a second to even look at me. To some extent I was okay with that, but at some point, it started becoming a bother to me. 

"Some days things were broken, some days we were okay and happy, while others I was just full of pain and sadness, but for some reason, none of this seemed wrong... "

Fast forward I meet someone who is finally awed by my presence, and trust me, this sweeps me off my feet, and before I could even allow myself to actually learn this person, I shift from home to living with him, in the hopes of finding peace away from the chaos at home. It started with ‘you shouldn’t talk to other boys’ and before I could even allow myself to process this, I was being shoved to the wall for coming home late and for feeling disinterested in sex. This continued for a while. Some days things were broken, some days we were okay and happy, while others I was just full of pain and sadness, but for some reason, none of this seemed wrong - I actually found myself apologizing for things he did but he blamed me for making him angry. 

He always kept on insisting that no other man would treat me better than he did, that no man would love me, and if I left him, I would regret it.  And a part of me grew to believe all these things, and I found myself trying to change him and normalizing the wrong things he did. This, according to me, was love - his violence had suddenly become peaceful. Writing Single and Satisfied was the beginning of my awakening. A part of me suddenly grew scared, at times some of these arguments took me way back to when I was a scared child hiding under the bed or running away through the windows when my mum was receiving all sorts of hits from her dad. The crying yourself to sleep started becoming daytime breakdowns, even in the middle of meetings and work. The shaking and nightmares started again, and I couldn’t even find the strength to reach out to someone cause it felt shameful. 

"This, according to me, was love- his violence had suddenly become peaceful."

While all this is escalating, I am convinced that I meant to go through the same path as my mum, and without being told, I start taking caution like I used to when I was child, like hiding the knives or any sharp objects in the house before going to bed, even when we had shared one of the very few good nights. Fast forward, I finally got the courage and strength to walk out and start my own life away from the chaos I found myself in. As I take time to heal, I keep whispering to myself “you deserved better”. 

Most of the time we sit at our comfortable spaces and working relationships, and judge those that find themselves in not-so-good relationships for not choosing to walk away, but what we don’t realize is how hard and difficult it is to walk out. I would boldly tell you that it is hard, and sometimes you wake up ready to be better for yourself, then other days you wake up with no hope at all, but we move. 

"As I take time to heal, I keep whispering to myself, "you deserved better"."

So far, I am trying to heal - and not just recent traumas, but even face some of the terrible and sad moments and scenes from my childhood. So far so good, and I wouldn’t complain. A part of me is appreciative of the fact that being with someone who treated me wrong helped me recognize myself and fully convince myself that I deserve better. As I put all this down, it is my hope that you realize that you are enough, and you are worthy of being loved right. So far, I get to sleep peacefully and for me it’s good enough progress. Maybe in my next one I’ll have found someone to do right by me, because as far as I am concerned, violence is not peaceful.