In August of 2018, I found myself opening up to my desires around sex and intimacy again. It was nerve-wracking and exciting all together. All of a sudden, things started clicking for me. And now, here I am, writing about it for the first time.

I've put in a lot of work to get to this new, profound space of confidence, and moving towards my full potential. But I didn't start there. I was in a funk of anxiety for a very long time and I didn't realize that it was preventing me from being close to potential partners.

It was time for a necessary reflection. It was time to stop being ashamed of my sexual desires, sexuality, and intimacy with myself and, ultimately, with others. It's not that I didn't try to see what I needed to change before, but I was struggling to see the missing pieces. Is this disconnection, why I am still single? Is this why I feel disconnected from my body? Is this why I am not very assertive when it comes to my desires?

I needed to step out of my comfort shadows and open myself up to new experiences that make me feel joyful and liberated without feeling ashamed of what others thought of me. I wanted to better understand how and why my sexual attraction and sexuality manifest within myself and with others.

Moving forward to January 1st 2019, I made a post on a new Instagram account I created in response to this new journey I was paving around sexual liberation, body positivity, and overall our individuality, stating this:

"In 2018, I challenged myself to awakened parts of my identity that I pushed down for too long. I can now say that my heart is open to new relationships, new experiences, and new expressions to come. Learning to express all of me, radically accepting my body for what it is now and envisioning what it all can be in the future, and to have all pleasurable experiences moving forward in 2019. Wishing you beauties to unlock what needs to be unlocked for you to reach your full potential and love for yourself."

This was my commitment statement to myself and to my new followers who were also on their path of their own sexual liberation and freedom or just didn't mind following someone new.

A big leap in this revelation was taking a course in sociology called ‘Sex Roles and Society’ that allowed me to analyze my past sexual experiences and draw out what worked and what didn't. Also, to acknowledge that I had real trauma related to my body that has forever changed how I interact and operate with others, including myself.

The teacher challenged us to write a lengthy paper on one of the topics about our experiences around sexuality, gender or race. I was so distraught about doing this, to say the least, because I was afraid of what I was going to learn and say. In the end, my fear was not to be afraid of but rather to accept and embrace.

While researching the topic of sexuality for this paper, I watched a Tedx Talk of Emily Nagoski about the keys to a happier, healthier sex life. She spoke about enhancers and inhibitors of sexual arousal, saying:

“There is science to prove that there is individuality within sexuality and what we need to be confident and full in our sexual well-being is to unlock the dual control responses. We all have this mechanism in our brains that control sexual response which is called the dual control model

"The first part of this dual control model is the sexual accelerator or the gas pedals. The second part is the brake. These two parallels are working at the same time. One is telling you to turn on and the other is telling you to turn off. So, the process of becoming aroused is the dual process of intentionally with a purpose to turn on the on's and turn off the off’s.

Usually, when people struggle with their sexual well-being, it’s because sometimes there's not enough stimulation to the gas pedal. But more often, it's because there’s too much stimulation to the brake and all kinds of things can hit the brake.”

In this playful but informative take on sex positivity, she delves into the science of sexuality to demonstrate how we can shed our insecurities and define pleasure on our terms.

It was mind-blowing, to say the least. I finally had more language and proof that I was not abnormal. I am my own normal. This is different from others’ normal and that’s perfectly fine.

I began to verbalize this to myself and needed more education on communicating this to others. Fortunately, because of the communities I've been a part of, I knew I was not alone. I was able to unlock that I am a person who is on the spectrum of demisexuality, ethically non-monogamous, and part of the BDSM lifestyle.

A demisexual is a person who experiences very low or not at all sexual attraction to someone unless they are able to form a strong emotional connection with that someone.The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. I've been gradually reintroducing myself as a more full and happier self and I couldn’t be more pleased. Of course, there is a lot to grow into and learn.

In the past year or so, I've worked on informing myself about these new self-identities and so far, it's been a special journey. I've read books like ‘Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life’ by Emily Nagoski, watched YouTube series from BDSM or Kink content educators, attended my first kink convention, made new lifestyle friends in person and online, strengthened my existing friendships, attended kink play parties centering queer and POC (people of color) experiences, talked to others who are in a variety of relational dynamics and who practice ethical non-monogamy and center the experiences of black and brown people who share similar truths as mine.

In the end, I am blessed that the people in my life who are aware of this have been incredibly supportive. I feel more liberated now than I did previously. I am still single, but I am content and a lot more healed than when I was a year or so ago. I am thankful that there are others who can help guide me and I am optimistic that I will find the dynamic (or dynamics) that suit me best in the future. Until then, I am enjoying deepening my connection to my mind, body, and soul.