Disclosing to, who, where and when should never be underestimated and it should always be exercised with caution.

In my first few weeks of my new diagnosis, I pondered around this question of ‘Why’. I was adamant that I did not want to live a life of secrecy, especially with my immediate family and friends. On the day of my diagnosis I told my Sister, Father and partner. A sense of relief swept over me as each person vowed to remain by my side. The fear that I had disappointed them in some way was unbearable. I felt love and acceptance by their reactions and because of this; I understood the true sense of family. My ‘Why’ for my family and partner was made simple by my overwhelming desire to be honest.

My next hurdle was disclosure at my workplace. I work in the education sector and my nurse advised me to think about the reason why I would be disclosing to a colleague. During the initial months, I became extremely ill due to an intolerance of medication, as well as having multiple hospital appointments every week. I truly cannot fault the level of care and fast reactions of the NHS staff, as without their knowledge and expertise I would probably not be here today. My CD4 count dropped to 214 in approximately three weeks (a CD4 count of below 200 is classed as having AIDS). During this time, I was currently working full time (when I could) and nobody knew my secret.

"I needed to protect myself and my job. My head teacher needed to protect her school and credibility; both of us had reasons to keep this private, but ultimately I did not trust her."

I went off sick at work to enable me to attend hospital visits. As some of you may know, baseline assessments have to take place as part of an HIV diagnosis and I was pricked and prodded within an inch of my life! As my CD4 count gradually increased, I made the decision to return to my job. My first morning back, I practically sprinted to my classroom as I did not want contact with anyone at all. I worked with very loving and protective individuals who were very concerned for my well-being. As I dashed through school, a member of staff spotted me and there was nowhere to hide. In that moment I could not confide in her what my status was, and I simply cried. I was not ready to say the words aloud yet. That morning I was sent home from work having not even made it past half past eight in the morning!

Fast forward to January 2018 when I returned to my job, despite feeling extremely vulnerable. A number of weeks passed by and my lies became more and more frequent. As the hospital appointments came flooding in, more lies passed my lips and they kept eating away at me, day after day.

As I was still under close monitoring with the hospital, my head teacher became increasingly suspicious. Both she and I knew she could not ask me directly (by law) why I was having so many appointments, yet it was on the tip of her tongue and her patience was running thin. My boss was not as tolerant of the frequency of the appointments as she once was. I contacted my union and was advised to take a person into a meeting with me if and when I chose to disclose my status. My union suggested a respected member of staff, who preferably was a member of leadership. They explained that if my status was to ever become public knowledge, which was not my wish, the member of staff (who would eventually come into the meeting with me) would act as a witness in court.

"Yes, I have HIV, but it is not who I am"

I needed to protect myself and my job. My head teacher needed to protect her school and credibility; both of us had reasons to keep this private, but ultimately I did not trust her.

I disclosed to the senior member of staff, who took it well. I could see the shock on her face but ultimately her reaction was of a supportive manner.

Two days later, I walked into the head teacher’s office and there the three of us sat. I was shaking. I was petrified of her unpredictable response, yet I knew I needed to end the lies. I tested the waters by saying I had a blood-borne virus, which was met with a neutral tone of voice. I then said I was HIV positive. The next thing I remember was that I was alone with the head teacher in her office and a flood of questions followed. Mainly around men, who I’d previously dated, how and when I contracted it. I answered these by saying I had not contracted HIV via unprotected sex, but through needles. I had lived abroad for a number of years and had received questionable medical assistance using unsterilized needles. This was met with raised eyebrows, as in her mind the only way people contracted HIV was through unprotected sex. WRONG. I could sense her judgement lingering over me. This was the first time I had felt judged for being HIV positive and I needed to leave the room immediately.

Regardless of how, when or why we have become HIV positive, we must not forget that we are all fighting for the same thing: to empower, to educate and to simply live the best possible life we can. The finer details are meaningless. Yes, I have HIV, but it is not who I am. I choose to tell my story to you all in the hope that someone will learn from this. Remember that you always have a choice. You decide who knows your status and you choose when and how your story will be told. Earnest Hemingway once said, "The best people possess the courage to take risks and the discipline to tell the truth.”

Whenever it may or may not be, always remember it is your truth to tell.