Disclosure is a distressing yet funny part of my journey with HIV. Anyone living with the virus can attest to this. It is perhaps the hardest of all things when it comes sexual or social relationships, especially when you are young and dealing with peer pressure.

Have I ever disclosed my HIV status to anyone? Yes. Was it easy? Hell no! Anytime I plan on disclosing, fear creeps in. This fear can stop a relationship from starting; it can also prevent a relationship from ending.

In fact, one of the most difficult dilemmas I’ve ever faced was whether to stay with someone who knows my status so that I don't have to disclose to someone else. At first, the guy I was dating was okay with my HIV status. But as time went by, it seemed like he was doing me a favour by being in my life. And girl, nothing could be farther from the truth!

Here’s how it all went down...

I was quite in love with this guy (I’ll call him Martin). We kicked things off online, chatting and getting to know each other. He seemed liked a great guy at the outset and our conversations were awesome.

I didn’t expect to see him in real life. I am a social vegan: I avoid “meet” (chuckles). Eventually, though, he said he wanted to meet me in person. So, I invited him over to my family’s place, as I didn’t want to meet this stranger somewhere that I was not comfortable.

Damn! We met during the middle of this beautiful sunset that made me see him as a beauty. He was tall, well built, and all that I had imagined. It was love at first sight—actually. Looking back, I realize that I fell in love with what I saw rather than what I felt and experienced. It was lust, perhaps.

“ It was love at first sight—actually. Looking back, I realize that I fell in love with what I saw rather than what I felt and experienced. It was lust, perhaps.”

Martin was the second guy I would date after learning of my HIV status. We went on several dates together but, like my first relationship, these were not what I would call “proper dates.” They were dates in the club, where decisions were made under the influence.

Two months in, after returning home from a late night out, he told me he wanted to have sex. At the back of my mind, I was like: ‘What?! We’ve only known each other for two months and here he is asking me to have sex with him? And condomless sex for that matter?!’

With fearful thoughts running through my mind, I decided to tell him that I was HIV positive. To my surprise, he told me that he knew about it. ‘Huh? How? Was it written all over my face?’ I could not recall telling him or giving hints. How could he have known?

I freaked out and demanded him to tell me how he had known of my status. He tried calming me down, but I persisted, angry that the confidentiality of my HIV status had been violated. Eventually, he told me that his cousin had told him and asked him to be very careful with me. Actually, his words were, ‘be extra careful!’

That’s the funny part of this story: I knew Martin’s cousin. In fact, his cousin was the one who really wanted to be with me. But he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t interested in having any drama around me, so I let him go—but not before disclosing my status to him (the cousin).

I remember Martin assuring me that it was okay and that he didn’t care about what his cousin had told him or what I was now telling him. All he wanted was me. Weirdly, at that moment, I felt a sense of relief, like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I would not have to go into details about HIV and my status with Martin.

“ Weirdly, at that moment, I felt a sense of relief, like a burden was lifted off my shoulders.”

That night, we ended up having wack condomless sex and, in the morning, he asked if I could take him to the hospital to get PrEP (or pre-exposure prophylaxis, a medication used by HIV-negative people to lower their risk of contracting the virus by an estimated 99% or more).

After that, our relationship was mainly about booze and sex. Every time I would go see him, all we ended up doing was drinking alcohol and laying between the sheets. We used condoms as a method of safer sex. I had the guts to tell him to always have condoms on him!

We went on like that for like two months. After some time, I began noticing some strange things in our communication, meet-ups, everything. He was not returning any of my texts. He became cool and distant.

I asked him what was going on and his defense was that he was just busy. ‘Busy, huh? You weren’t busy when you wanted a late-night rendezvous? You weren’t busy when you needed a favour?’

Naaah! He’s wasn’t busy. The truth was, he was avoiding me.

‘Let go of this man, Stash!’ I recall saying to myself. ‘He is using me, the bastard! He just wants me to be there for him, not him for me.’

But I also thought: ‘How could I leave?’ Martin had ‘loved’ me, regardless of my status. ‘Would I ever find somebody else who would love me better?’ Agrrrh! I was a prisoner to my own thoughts.

I kept thinking he would come around and stop being a dumbass but nothing changed. I gave him everything, poured my heart to this man: while he was out there chasing other women, not returning my texts. I guess it was goodbye, but I did not get the message.

This was our fifth month together and I was feeling a little too exhausted, frustrated, and angry. He had me tripping, looking at myself in the mirror differently, thinking I was the one who was flawed. But I knew better!

One fateful night, we met at our usual hang-out spot and I was on a mission to get to the bottom of things. Sure enough, he was on his phone most of the time and I could clearly see that he was talking to other girls. But I remained calm, since I had suspected it for some time.

We went to sleep that night, without having sex. The following morning, I woke up to a text from his cousin (the one who had disclosed my status to Martin).

The message read: “Hey Stash, I hope you are doing great. I just wanna tell you that Martin is seeing and sleeping around with other women. He told me about it but he had asked me not tell you since he had a lot to gain from you at the moment. I am telling you all this because you are a good person.”

That was my wake up call.

I did not need anything else but to run for my life.

I left that day and promised myself that the next time I saw Martin, I would break up with him. And I did. But not before I gave him a little taste of his own medicine.

I avoided his phone calls. I chatted with other guys. I called whenever I needed favours. He started complaining and said that I had changed. I laughed and before he could say another word, I told him it was over!

I literally dropped him like it was hot.

I told him that being HIV-positive would not tie me down to him. I know my worth. I know what I deserve.

I am still exactly who I was before my HIV diagnosis. In fact, I am using this experience to grow towards becoming better than I could have ever imagined.

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Join the conversation! Share your thoughts below in the comments section. When it comes to deciding whether to stay in a relationship, has fear of disclosure ever impacted you?