By SS

In my early twenties, I was diagnosed with HIV. At that time in my life, I was a single mother with a 3-year-old and had been only dating my boyfriend for 6 months. I totally thought the world of being in a relationship and having a normal healthy sex life was over.

My current boyfriend at the time went and got tested. Even though we were using condoms, I wanted to be sure he knew his HIV status too. The 2 weeks wait was very hard on our relationship. There was a lot of ‘what-ifs.’ What if he is positive? What if he is not? What are we going to? What are our next steps?

We finally got news that he was HIV-negative. Even after the good news, he decided that being in a relationship with someone who is HIV-positive was not for him. He said it was not me as a person but the HIV. I totally understand that it was his decision but deep down inside I felt like someone was punishing me. That I was not good enough.

I joined a women’s social group to help me deal with being HIV-positive and to find someone else to talk to. Some of the stories of stigma, discrimination and criminalization that the other woman shared would blow your mind! It scared me so much hearing all their stories.

After a few months, I was starting to get lonely and wanted someone in my life. This is when I finally decided to start dating again. I wanted to have a “normal” loving relationship where HIV was only a little, insignificant part of the relationship.

“ I wanted to have a “normal” loving relationship where HIV was only a little, insignificant part of the relationship. ”

I chose to use an online dating site to look for a new partner that was HIV-negative, as a lot of the HIV-positive men in the city I knew. Most of them, I had nothing in common with. The first couple times I disclosed my status on the first date it turned out to be a negative experience.

I got rejected, yelled at, and men looked at me as a bad person. I got to see first-hand how people discriminate and stigmatize against people living with HIV while dating. This is where I decided if I wanted to date, I would wait till the third date to disclose my status.

I figured this would give me enough time to let the person see me for me, and not me and my HIV. It also gave me a chance to see if I wanted to spend more time with a person. On the third date, if I felt that I wanted to spend more time with this partner, either sexually or emotionally or both, I would disclose my status. After I decided to do this “three date rule,” I went on a date. The first date went well. We chatted for a couple of days. Then, the second date went even better than the first. When it came to the third date, I was so nervous, as I really like this guy. We got along. We had things in common. We could talk for hours.

We were out for drinks and he kept on asking why I was so nervous, as I was not the two previous dates. I told him, “Well. It is because I have something to say to you. I’m HIV positive.” I said it in a low voice, as I did not want other people to overhear our conversation. All of a sudden, he gets up and starts yelling at me. I was so embarrassed, as everyone was looking at us. This guy then says in a loud voice, “You dirty woman! You can take your HIV and get out of here!”

I left the bar crying and felt like I was this dirty, ugly, and unwanted woman. I had no time to explain anything to him. I tried texting and calling him, so I could explain things to him like how I got it and the risk factors but never heard back from him.

Not all my experiences were that negative. I was lucky enough that the second gentleman that I had set the “three date rule” in place was okay with my HIV status. I told him the same way as the other guy but this time I picked a location that was less busy and private.

When I told him, he said he knew he had minimal chance of getting HIV due to the new medications and using a condom. He also said he could walk across the street and get hit by a bus or a car. I was shocked, as I was expecting rejection. One of the things I do believe that helped was that he was educated about HIV a little bit.

The next day, I called the local AIDS Committee and asked if I could bring him with me to meet one of the support staff and talk with her. The reason I had done this was to have it documented that he knows my HIV status, the risks and the proper way to protect himself before I have any sexual contact with him. This way, I was covered if something would ever happen or if he states I never disclosed my status.

This relationship lasted over five years and HIV was never a big issue in our lives or in our relationship. I would say 99% of the time it never came up. We eventually split, however, as we became too distant from each other. So, here I was again single.

I learned from that relationship that I need to love me for me and that if people want to go out with me, they need to take me for me and my HIV.

Over the next couple of months, I dated and used my “three date rule.” The first few dates I got rejected but this time it did not affect me emotionally, as I learned to love myself for me. If they don’t want me for me then I was better off without them. This detaching of hurtful emotions was a key part of dating for me. This is how my “three date rule” worked for me.

“ If they don’t want me for me then I was better off without them. This detaching of hurtful emotions was a key part of dating for me.”

One day, I messaged this guy who I normally would not message as I wanted to meet someone different. He messaged me back and the conversation was delightful. It was your everyday kind of conversation with no talk of sex.

We emailed for two weeks before we had our first date. We went on a coffee date. The date lasted for over two hours. The next day, we went on date number two: rock climbing. Then, two days later was date number three.

I had him come over for dinner at my place. After dinner, we were just relaxing on the couch chatting. I then said, as usual, “there is something I really need to tell you,” followed by, “I am HIV-positive.” He said, “Okay. Well, I really like you, but I need time and info.”

I set him up with the support worker at the AIDS Committee where I live to get more information. After three months of dating, we had another conversation about HIV, as he had still not told me whether he was comfortable with “the HIV.”

I told him that either he was okay with me having HIV and the “risk” of being with me (which, today, on medications, is zero) and we go on dating, or we were just going to be friends. I didn’t like giving him an ultimatum but I want to find a partner to spend my life with.

It took him a few days, but he finally said, “let’s do this!” Three months later we moved in together.

It has been seven years of living together and enjoying life to the fullest. HIV is not a huge problem in our relationship. It hardly comes up, except when I need to get meds and his once a year test.

We are one year married now and happy as ever.

So, for me my “three date rule” worked!

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Join the conversation! Share your thoughts below in the comments section. When it comes to dating, do you have any rules in place when disclosing your status?