Dating can be a hard nut for anyone—even harder when you’re living with HIV. You have extra thoughts on things like who to date (whether HIV-positive or HIV-negative), when to tell them about your condition, how to deal with rejection, etc.

Let me tell you a little bit about my journey.

I found out that I had HIV when I was pretty young. I was thirteen and had just lost my mother. Life was not easy. I had to deal with the separation of my siblings, the disclosure of my status to my grandparents (and how they would take that), the fear of what my half-brothers would go through when my step dad remarries, and now this HIV animal?

It was such a painful time for me. I saw my whole little world crumble. I wished death upon myself because, well, I didn’t know and quite literally didn’t see, how I could survive having AIDS (as it was known back then). The little knowledge that I had or was taught in school was that AIDS was transmitted when one had sex. I was still a virgin, and did not understand why then I had the ‘worst diseases’ of them all.

I thought I would not enjoy what other adolescents would. How would I navigate life? Dating? Having sex?

I finished high school and had little expectations about my life, as I still had not come to terms with my status. I hated myself. I saw myself as a short, round, chubby girl, with nothing impressive to show. I had sexual self-esteem issues, like how my first sexual encounter will be, undressing in front of boys, wearing bikinis like those women I saw in TV with an hour glass shaped bodies, hehe! I wished I had people who told me, “fuck that shit…. I wish you loads of debaucheries and hope you win a lottery!” Instead, I had people who wished me peace, love and health…blah blah blah. People did not make it any better. I craved attention and love. I wanted a man to hold me tight, caress me, tear off my clothes, give me the shivers, and tell me they loved me as they dicked me down—despite my condition.

I saw no reason to further my studies, let alone work hard, because I thought I would not enjoy what other adolescents would. I thought to myself, even if I was able to miraculously keep my mind and body as healthy as possible, how would I navigate life? Dating? Having sex? Having kinky sex? Having raw sex? Getting married? Having children? Wow!! All this seemed impossible to me. So I distanced myself from people, especially boys, because in my head—for a very weird reason—I thought they were not meant to be in my life.

Little did I know that life had a surprise in store for me.

I met this guy Peter… (giggles). He was like a rogue beast behind bars that made him yearn for me. I could tell from the piercing look he gave me every time we met, he had this urge and passion to hold me against the walls of the tiny corridors of the apartment we lived in. His dark skin on mine, his rugged beard between my thighs, his meat slapping my coochie well. We all know how things would end (between the sheets) but I was too afraid. I was like a devil roaming the town looking for a soul to devour and he was devilishly handsome—perfect for me to start with. I had to protect him from me.

I thought I was dreaming when in a split second I felt his hands on my face. My body froze. I knew that my first sexual encounter was about to go down.

Days went by and we kept on with the cat and mouse chase. And as these cat and mouse games go, the heat between us became more and more intense. One day, he invited me over to his friend’s house. He described himself as being “kinda romantic,” as if I knew what that was (rolls eyes). We sat next to each other eating like two stupid fools (tension and silence). It felt weird. In my head, I was begging for him not to make that first move because I did not know if my body would push him away. But, at the same time, I wanted him in charge: to dominate.

I thought I was dreaming when in a split second I felt his hands on my face. My body froze. I knew that my first sexual encounter was about to go down. I had mixed thoughts, insecurities like what if he acquired HIV? What if he started questioning the way I looked and the spots that come with being HIV-positive? My chubby thighs and stomach? Blood from broken hymen? Sex is something I never saw happening in my life. I was convinced I would die a virgin. But here was a boy who had everything I thought I wanted.

It was my first make out, and this dude knew what he was doing (at least, that's what I recall). My whole body was filled with goose bumps; my nipples became hard and my clit danced with excitement. He made me forget about all my muddles. Slowly, my rigidness faded as I got in the mood, whispering, “let’s do this.”

This went on for a few minutes, and it was a little bit messy, before we heard a knock on the door. His friend. Aargh! We tried acting like nothing was happening but the tension was extreme. His friend came in, said “hi” to me with the ‘I-know-what-you-two-were up-to’ look, and I retaliated with the ‘you-know-no-god-damn-thing-boy’ look! I swear, I don’t know where I had picked up that attitude, but gosh I nailed it. I stayed for a while, talking with the friend, until the awkwardness dissipated.

What I thought was all fun and games was actually more serious.

I stood as a sign of my departure. Peter offered to see me off and bid his friend goodbye, but with a ‘next-time-know-when-to-come-to-your-house’ face. As he walked me home, I had a casual talk with Peter about what almost happened, and he asked if he could see me the following day to finish what we had started. I was reluctant to say yes because in the back of my mind I thought about how lucky he was to have escaped death. And here he was asking if we could see each other again—he mad? Huh! I told him we would see because truthfully, I was not ready to have sex with him.

What I thought was all fun and games was actually more serious. I did not know how to go about disclosing my status to Peter. How would he react? Would his desire for me still burn as strongly? Once again, the feelings from my early years came up: I was afraid of life and what it had in store for me. I felt utter confusion, which made me want to run. But I did not know where to go.

My first date with HIV was amazing, but left me petrified.

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Join the conversation! Comment below. Tell us, what was your first date with HIV like?